To Die For: spring, spritz, and steak salad

In the sunroom, sipping on the first Aperol spritzes of spring.

Beast: How much money would it take for you to agree to murder someone?

Foodie: [Silence]

Beast: The thing is, you don’t have to murder them yourself, you just have to pick somebody. And you’ll never be caught.

Foodie: I don’t know. Like, a $150 million?

Beast: I’d charge $1,800.

Foodie: That’s a very specific amount.

Beast: Precisely! I’d buy a Brooks Brothers tuxedo.

Foodie: Why do you need a tuxedo?

Beast: Please stop belittling me. I’d have to pay for the pumps separately.

Foodie: The pumps?

Beast: Yes, the black shoes with little bows on them, and raised heels, that you wear with tuxedos.

We were waiting for the barbecue to heat up to cook a flank steak. We were having the first steak salad party dinner of spring. That’s when you get some greens, some toppings–like red onion, olives, fresh dill, tomatoes, parmigiano, maybe some capers–and some steak and then each person adds what they want to a bowl and tosses it up and dinner is served!

Beast: How long do I grill the flank steak again?

Foodie: Eleven minutes a side, I think. I can’t remember.

Beast: The Internet says no more than six minutes a side.

Foodie: Then why did you ask me?

Beast: I’m going upstairs to cook it now.

Foodie: Is the grill hot enough?

Beast: Just because I’m a stay-at-home mom now you think I can’t read a barbecue thermometer?

Foodie: [Silence]

Beast: I should really get into Lululemon pants.

Outside, on the deck, with glasses of prosecco

Foodie: You should see your eyes right now in this sunlight. They look like icebergs they’re so blue!

Beast: Fuck my eyes. Feel my back.

Foodie: [Feeling his back] You are so strong! It feels like a statue!

Beast: And I’m an intellectual. Deal with it. And I think my legs are finally stronger than yours now. Feel this! [He extends his thigh, and flexes.]

Foodie: [Feels thigh.]

Beast: And feel this! [Flexes calf muscle.]

Foodie: [Feels calf muscle.] I literally can’t feel anything. Feel mine. [Flexes.]

Beast: That is impossible! How can your legs feel like that when you literally haven’t exercised in a year!

Foodie: The body is an incredible thing.

Speaking of bodies, the Beast has really been working hard to transform his. We recently weighed ourselves at my mom’s. He was shocked to see that he clocked in at 191 lb. I assured him it was all muscle, from his daily weight-lifting regime. He was not satisfied and so for the last month has been very conscious of what he eats. Since he cooks dinner, that means that I have been forced to watch what I eat, too. We weighed ourselves again at my mom’s recently, and he lost 6 lb. I weighed exactly the same amount as a month ago.

Beast: Do you want to watch To Die For with dinner?

Foodie: That’s actually a great idea. I’ve only seen it once.

Beast: We used to watch it all the time. Buck Henry wrote the screenplay, you know.

Foodie: Who’s Buck Henry?

Beast: Who’s Buck Henry? Uh, The Graduate? Oh shit, I forgot that Wayne Knight was in this.

Foodie: Who is Wayne Knight?

Beast: Wow. I can’t believe you. I’ll give you a clue: Dennis Nedry?

Foodie: Who the fuck is Dennis Nedry?

Beast: I can’t believe how ignorant you are.  Any bored kid growing up in the ’90s would know this.

Foodie: Well, technically speaking, I was an adult in the ’90s. Who is it?

Beast: Jurassic Park?

Foodie: Is it the actor who played Newman?

Beast: YES UGH.

The movie, directed by Gus Van Sant, was fantastic. Young Casey Affleck is such a dick. Joaquin Phoenix is tremendously good. And Nicole Kidman, who post-Big Little Lies, is somehow being billed as having a comeback–she never went anywhere, she’s always been good–is at her finest.

Foodie: You know the three kids and Nicole kind of remind me of you, Nick, Erinn, and me.

Beast: Let me guess: You’re Nicole.

Foodie: Yes. And doesn’t the girl remind you of Erinn?

Beast: Yes! Who am I? The Casey character or Joaquin’s?

Foodie: Definitely Casey’s. He’s such a little asshole.

Beast: That’s who I was hoping you’d pick.

Foodie: Why?

Beast: Because Joaquin’s character is not exactly bright. But then again, he’s so  handsome. Imagine how nice it would’ve felt to have Gus Van Sant gazing at you, erotically?

Foodie: [Silence]

3 responses to “To Die For: spring, spritz, and steak salad

  1. Love your posts….missed you lately.

  2. Always SO FUNNY and a JOY to read!! Just wish you posted more often!!

  3. $1,800 for a hired killer…lol. I understand why Beast is Nicole Kidman’s character from To Die For, the rest of the payment is with crazy sex.

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