At Home

You can’t say that, plus cocktails

Sipping something approximating a Manhattan the other night, but with cardamom bitters and star anise, for cocktail hour:  


Foodie: What’s that playing?

Beast: Kanye’s new album. A lot of people are shitting on it but it’s great.

Foodie: What’s with all the auto-tuning? How can people use it today without laughing?

Beast: I guess it’s just part of Kanye’s soul-sonic universe.

Foodie: Holy shit did you see the size of that robin? What a fat little fucker!

Beast: Is that appropriate?

Foodie: Excuse me?

Beast: Fat-shaming a robin?

Foodie: You’re right. Actually, you’re looking really skinny.

Beast: What do you mean?

Foodie: You just look super lean right now.

Beast: Are you kidding me? I’ve been trying to bulk up!

Foodie: I didn’t mean that you look bad!

Beast: I hate it when people call me skinny.

Foodie: God, I just can’t get it right, can I? I mean, first Kanye, then that robin and now you.

Beast: What’s next, Prince?

Foodie: Well, now that you mention it…

Beast: [Silence]

Foodie: I just find it interesting that no one even mentions, even like in a side note, anything about that strange anti-gay marriage stuff from 2008. I mean, I know it’s a time to celebrate him but to leave that detail out of his narrative entirely? To say that he’s up in heaven dancing with Freddie Mercury…

Beast: Who said that?

Foodie: At this point, it could literally be anybody. But it’s just so fascinating to me–maybe because I’m not as emotionally invested in him as others. This man who made an entire career based on blurring gender and sexual lines and then to sort of, well, maybe, you know, turn away from that later in life, even changing lyrics to be less, well, less-“Prince-like”?

Beast: Prince could join ISIS and he’d still get a pass from me.

Foodie: [Silence]

Beast: You could show me a video of him destroying the ruins of Palmyra and I still wouldn’t disavow his early music.

Foodie: I really feel like Prince came into my life when I wasn’t ready for him. I wasn’t mature enough for Purple Rain. The music scared me. The movie scared me even more. I didn’t want any part of that world because I did not want to grow up. I wanted to be trapped in Stand By Me forever.

Beast: You wanted to be trapped in boyhood?

Foodie: OMG was I confused about my gender?

Beast: [Silence]

Foodie: I think I just didn’t want to confront it, or anything to do with sexuality. It represented adulthood to me and I wanted to delay it that for as long as possible. That’s why if I hear Prince today, I’m all of a sudden brought right back to a friend’s faux wood-panelled rec room watching Purple Rain while her older teenaged sister is making out with a teenaged boy and I just want to run home.

Beast: [Silence]

Foodie: I was all like Get me away from these animals! 

Beast: All I know is that Prince was such an epic performer and singer that he gets passed over as one of the best guitar soloists who ever lived.

Foodie: Uh, not if you’re on social media.

Beast: What do you mean?

Foodie: I’ve seen that epic guitar solo of his everywhere over the last little while. Believe me, people know.

Beast: But I want you to know how much I hate guitar solos. I’d rather live in an ISIS-controlled area where music is forbidden than live in a world where every song had a guitar solo.

Foodie: You shouldn’t keep joking about ISIS.

Beast: Bono says we should make more jokes about ISIS.

Foodie: [Silence]

Beast: Now there’s someone I’ll let you shit on after they pass away.

Foodie: You seriously can’t say that. People love Bono.

Beast: People love Prince and you just shat on him.

Foodie:I did not shit on him. I’m just saying…wait. What are you wearing?

Beast: Do you like it? I just bought it. It’s for working out in.


Beast: I was thinking I could also wear it at the cottage. You know, for lounging.

Foodie: [Silence]

Beast: Plus it was on sale.

Foodie: You look like a child who is about to go on a beach vacation with his parents in 1920.

Beast: Actually, grown men used to dress like this. I can wear the pieces as separates, too.

Foodie: Do you think I should re-watch Purple Rain? Would you watch it with me? In case I get triggered?

Beast: I think it looks like something Picasso would wear, or Chanel’s partner.

Foodie: Chanel’s “partner”?

Beast: I don’t want to make any assumptions about her, or anyone, like you do. Do you think I should return my outfit? The tags are still on.

Foodie: [Pause] Well, what would Prince do?

He cut off the tags.





Categories: At Home

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6 replies »

  1. Did you remove your post???? Says post cannot be found when I click on read post..

    Sent from my iPad


  2. I was also having problems accessing the blog. I tweeted you about it, so just ignore the tweet.

    I can’t believe it took you so long to ask what Simon was wearing. The line about him looking like a child about to go on a beach vacation with his parents, was the funniest thing ever!

    Thank you for always making me smile and laugh out loud! I think I love you…but not in a creepy, scary way 😉

    • Just saw your tweet! Sorry about that. I published it by mistake. But all is well now! Thanks, Karen.

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