A recent work assignment landed me on board the Disney Fantasy for a seven-day cruise. Here is the text exchange that the Beast and I shared while I was away. (This conversation has been edited for clarity, length and so I don’t get fired.)
Beast: Scorsese biopic on the Dali Lama is on Youtube. I am going to watch it tonight. Miss you so much already.
Beast: Have you decided if you’re getting cornrows on the cruise yet? I think it’s something you should decide before you step onboard.
Beast: Can you believe that “how do I become the physical embodiment of jazz” was the #1 Google search from our IP address in 2015!?! Astounding.
Beast: From Oscar Isaac wiki page Occupation: actor, singer, hero
Beast: I’m worried about her. Is she safe? Why hasn’t she texted me back?
Foodie: Oh sweetie! We had no WIFI for a day at sea. Just figured out how to connect. I have 300 mb and they go FAST! So I just got some research done for Metro column and am going to work on it today. Realize Oscar noms come out Thursday morning so will file then. Anyway, enough about work. Is he okay? I love you so, so much. And I miss you. I saw a dolphin! We are docked at Cozumel today but it is raining. Don’t have any shoots today so am just working. If I don’t write back right away, it’s only because I’m reserving WIFI. Not because I don’t miss you. xoxoxox
Foodie: Need to apologize now because I let my chest get pink in the sun. I have to stop doing this because it looks like LEATHER. I’m soooo sorry!!!! I need to stay young for you!!!
Beast: Put after sun on it.
Beast: I’ve decided that you can’t go on any more trips without me. I miss you too much.
Foodie: I did put some on. They provide it in our rooms. Just explored Cozumel a bit. Got my mom a beautiful embroidered caftan! And little bottles of pure Mexican vanilla for gifts.
Foodie: I really miss you. There are so many things I see and want to laugh about but I could only do it with you. Like the restaurant playing Bob Marley and all the servers had dreadlock wigs on. Unbelievable. Were you thinking I should get cornrows like this lady?
Beast: I was thinking about it today. You’re the only person I like. I have something to apologize for too. I bought a compact rowing machine.
Beast: It folds up.
Foodie: Oh god that is so funny I am LOLing right now so hard and I miss you so much.
Beast: We have room for it in the closet.
Foodie: That was were I was going to put the all the T-shirts I just bought in Cozumel.
Beast: Oh god I miss her.
Foodie: Would you mind reading over my Metro column? I’m feeling very insecure today. Maybe it’s because I’m out at sea. Also this is me working in my stateroom with prosecco and my new hand-embroidered top!
Beast: Beauty! Send it over and I’ll give it a read.
Beast: Just got it. It’s fine. Just a few sloppy bits to get cleaned up, and a sentence that is way too long. But it’s really good!!!
Foodie: Oh good! I feel far less anxious now. What are you having for dinner tonight?
Beast: I’m having Portuguese chicken and potatoes for dinner. This ethical eating shit is really hard when you don’t plan any meals and don’t want to cook and just want to eat shit food all the time. I guess that’s the mystery of my Buddha nature.
Foodie: You will find enlightenment. I know it.
Beast: Have you been in the ocean yet?
Foodie: Not yet. Hopefully Friday. I love swimming in the ocean!
Beast: I love and miss you so much. Two questions:
1) Do you want to get married? (I do)
2) Can I buy a movie with your iTunes account.
Foodie: 1) I do and 2) Yes.
Foodie: Wait, what movie?
Beast: Just one to make me feel less depressed.
Beast: Are you shooting today?
Foodie: Yup just in my room now. Start again at 1:30. Have to get something to eat. I’m STARVING! The chicken fingers here are TO DIE FOR. Then I’m going to catch some sun but not on my chest. When are we getting married?
Beast: Saturday night?
Foodie: Oh god what should I wear?
Beast: Love and miss you. Not sure if I should try to become a Buddhist or the first person to climb Everest. I’ll decide before you get back.
Foodie: Love love love!!!
Foodie: Also, great joke.
Beast: How does reincarnation work? If I’m really good is it possible to come back as an English aristocrat from the Edwardian era? If that’s how it works I’m really going to get to work on this cycle of samsara bullshit!
Foodie: Good morning love! I don’t work until 9:15 tonight! It’s the big Star Wars deck party where everyone is dressed up and there are fireworks. There are two giant cinemas on board and they’ve been playing all the Star Wars movies. Last night after dinner I watched the last 30 minutes of Return of the Jedi. The Force Awakens plays today at 4:45, which I may go see! Did I tell you Neil Patrick Harris was on the ship? With his family! Haven’t seen him yet. What if he’s C-3PO?
Foodie: Made the changes to the column and sent it off. Thanks for your help. Did I tell you when I missed you most on this trip? Yesterday, seeing this kid, who looked just like Chunk from The Goonies, running up to the self-serve ice cream station in his speedo and preparing himself a cone while his mom yelled at him that he was going to ruin his appetite. He yelled TOO LATE! After I had my lunch, he was on a lounger, covered in melted ice cream. I was so sad you weren’t with me to see it.
Beast: That sounds great. You know I love kids behaving badly more than almost anything else.
Foodie: You should have seen the stars last night from my veranda. And the sunset. Holy geeze. I went to the front of the ship, too, on Deck 13, and I was all by myself. I felt like Rose from the Titanic!
Foodie: I can’t believe Meryl Streep didn’t get nominated for an Oscar for Ricki and the Flash. She could fart in an accent and still get nominated. I think I’ll tweet that.
Beast: Don’t you wish we were together right now so you could hear my Tom Hardy acceptance speech in his character from The Revenant?
Foodie: OMG YES!!! I miss that so much. What did you eat for supper last night?
Beast: Frozen pizza. And then frozen lasagna the night before.
Beast: Can’t talk now about to eat.
Foodie: What are you eating tonight?
Foodie: Is that from Super Kolbasa? Is that your crotch in the bottom left corner?
Beast: Good morning! Miss you right now: I just heard a woman say “Last night I made the best chicken Caesar…” You are the only person who could appreciate it with me.
Beast: Also: I’m going to do a little research into ‘hot yoga’ and find out if it’s authentic. If it is, I think I’ll give it a try.
Beast: I’m so excited for you to come home!!! I have so much to tell you about my Buddhist training! I’ve got so much done that I’m basically enlightened. Just have to start eating in a more holy way. So I swear that – after tonight – I’m never eating frozen pizza again, except for tonight!!!!
Foodie: Sorry for not responding! LOL!!! Are you really eating frozen pizza tonight? There are families everywhere here. I miss mine. I feel like a homesick kid. I just want to share this with them, especially my mom because everything is so accessible for people with disabilities. And she’d love all the food! But then I think she’d get sea sick. Still, I’m having a little cry in my room, with the ocean storming outside my open veranda door, and some red wine (pinot noir.) I miss you so much and I just want to teleport myself home. My flight leaves Orlando at 8:45pm and lands in TO at 11:30.
Beast: It was too depressing to have frozen pizza. I had club pack lasagna two nights this week! I’m such a loser! I just talked to your mom and she is as sweet as ever. I can’t wait to eat off a plate again! I’ve been heating things up on tinfoil, eating off the tinfoil and then recycling it!! My Buddha mind is super good at getting out of doing dishes.
Foodie: This has brightened my mood more than you know. I’m packing right now and watching Saving Mr. Banks. Imagine If I got back and you were 250 lb? Anyway, you enjoy your dinner now. xox
Foodie: Saving Mr. Banks is making me super emosh. I’m bawling!
Beast: I will!!! And no more fat shaming in our relationship please!!!
Foodie: Morning love! We are docked. Disembark at 8:15. Looks like we have a sunny day. Have a wonderful Saturday morning. Countdown is on!!
Beast: Good morning to you my sweet!!! Just started laundry (140 loads) should be just finished when you touch down. We can fold together.
Beast: Can’t wait to see you. Two questions.
1) should I wait for you for dinner?
2) are you bringing home A&W?
Foodie: Hahah!!! Don’t wait for me to eat. You don’t really want A&W at midnight?!?
Beast: No way man. Just kidding. Gonna have fro-fro pizza!!!
Beast: Seriously though, did you want me to do the laundry and clean the house?
Foodie: YES. Also, you bought THREE MOVIES ON iTUNES!!!!!!!!
Foodie: Oh f——-k. We are texting via iMessage right? Will I get charged for these texts? Work is GOING TO KILL ME!!! LOL!! OMG!!!
Beast: Can’t wait to see you!!! Please please please run to get ahead of everyone in customs and be the first person through. I know you can do it!!!
Foodie: Countdown is on! Look where we got to spend the day while we waited for our flight! I LOVE HOTELS SO MUCH!
Beast: Bed sheets washed and waiting for you. #hotelbed
Foodie: Just landed! Waiting for my bag. Are you still awake?