Too many lentils, not enough curls

About a year ago, maybe longer, the Beast decided to turn a left-over ham bone into a soup. He found the recipe on his own. It called for both split peas and brown lentils–I’m guessing less than a cup of each.

But he brought home two-kilogram bags of each. That’s four kilograms of dried legumes.

I was so mad, too, because we don’t have a lot of cupboard space. But he promised he’d use them up in meals he’d plan.

That’s been a load of bullshit, but on Halloween night he decided to stew some lentils to have with sausages.

While they simmered, we sat in the sunroom with a cocktail, listening to the sweet sound of excited children hitting up the neighbourhood for treats.

Foodie: I can’t believe how much my quads hurt. It feels like I went for a run.

Beast: Did you?

Foodie: No.

Beast: [Silence]

Foodie: Holy shit, do you know what’s it from? It’s from show rehearsals! We had to keep practising our Halloween entrance and as Thor, I had to keep lunging for my hammer throw-down! Wow. That’s like truly sad.

Screen Shot 2015-11-01 at 11.40.22 AM

Beast: I have 15 pages left in this book. Are you done? Don’t worry if you’re not. Just let me know when you are so I can finish without being interrupted.

Foodie: There goes that dog again. What the hell is he barking about? I really am going to find the owner one of these days. It’s obscene.

Beast: [Silence]

Foodie: It’s clearly not a puppy barking. That would be different. You can train a puppy. This is a grown-up dog whose owners do nothing to stop it from barking. I could understand a baby crying. You can’t help that. This can be helped.

Beast: Can you be quiet, please?

Foodie: How can you read? All I can do is listen to the dog barking.

Beast: Well, what can we do about it?

Foodie: I will roam the neighbourhood until I track down the owners.

Beast: I think they’re further away than you think.

Foodie: I will find it.

Beast: And then what?

Foodie: Talk to them, sensibly. Does the dog need help? Is it hungry? Does it need obedience lessons? A psychiatrist? I’ll contribute money because it’s barking every day, at every hour. This is a fucking shit show.

Beast: I’m worried about you.

Foodie: Well, I’m worried about you. Why did you buy those hair products?

Beast: Because I want full, lustrous curls.

Foodie: These products won’t give you the curls you want. Look at these before-and-after photos. I can’t believe anyone would believe that.


Beast: That’s why I bought them! Look at those curls!

Foodie: [Silence]

Beast: I’ve read over 1,300 pages by or about Nobel-Prize-Winning author Saul Bellow this year so keep mocking me. Go on. What are you doing?

Foodie: Just reading this thing on Alexander von Humboldt in the New Yorker.

Beast: Oh, so now you want to read?

Foodie: Can you be quiet, please?

Then the Beast began playing music videos on his phone.

Foodie: [Silence]

Foodie: [Silence]

Foodie: [Silence]

As soon as I heard the first few notes of the Pizza Nova theme song, my body began to convulse in uncontrollable laughter. We played it three times in a row. After every playing, it just got funnier.

In the kitchen, stirring the lentils, the Beast wanted to take things up a notch. It was Halloween, he reasoned. So he played Salt n Pepa’s Shoop. We danced. Next up was TLC’s Waterfalls.


“I don’t know this one,” I said.

“What? How do you not this jam, girl?” he replied.

We danced, sipped on spritzes, ate our dinner,  finished Season 2 of The Killing and fell asleep on the couch.

This morning, after the Beast showered, I found him in the washroom trying to apply his new hair products.

photo 2

“Is it working?” he asked. “Can you see the curls?”

“Yes,” I said, holding back laughter. “and they’re fabulous.”


5 responses to “Too many lentils, not enough curls

  1. I can only imagine holding in the laughter we try to keep their manly hood and self respect somewhat intact lmfao

  2. I am in complete sympathy regarding the yappy dog. I have the same problem, but I know that the yappy adult dog lives right next door. Knowing who the owner is does not help me at all as said owner will do nothing. Frustration!!

  3. I am wondering how the lentils turned out?
    And….what are you going to do about the dog? When that happens don’t you wonder about what the owners hear? Do they hear?

  4. Oh my god i love you guys so much

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s