Foodie: I just love the combination of ham, scalloped potatoes and cabbage salad all in one bite!
Beast: You realize you’ve said that three times since we started eating, right?
Foodie: Oh have I?
Beast: It’s like when we pass an old and interesting-looking apartment building and you say: “I wonder what those apartments look like inside.” You say it every time. Even when it’s the same building.
Foodie: And the Hindu temple on Fern Ave! You know when I bike past at night and see all those families either coming or going and they’re carrying trays of food? I always say: “I’d really like to go there one night. Everyone always looks like they’re having such a good time.”
Beast: You basically say the same three things over and over again.
Foodie: I like how differently you’ve interpreted this dinner.
Beast: I’m starving.
Foodie: What are we going to watch?
Beast: I’m thinking The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.
Foodie: We just watched that!
Beast: That’s impossible. I guarantee you’ve never seen this movie.
Foodie: Yes I have.
Beast: What’s it about then?
Foodie: There’s a stage coach and they go on it and bandits get it and they end up in some saloon or something.
Beast: That’s the movie Stage Coach.
Beast: The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance is incredible. It’s a stone-cold Hollywood classic. I promise you: you’ll love it and if you don’t, we’ll turn it off.
Ten minutes later:
Foodie: John Wayne walks really funny, doesn’t he?
Beast: Are you kidding me right now?
Foodie: No! Look at him!
Beast: IT WAS AN AFFECTATION THAT HE DID IN EVERY ROLE HE EVER PLAYED LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY DOES WHEN HE DOESN’T SMILE AND PLAYS A LIBERAL.
Foodie: That steak they’re making sure looks good.
Beast: You know you always say that out loud, too–when we’re watching a movie and there’s food in it. You say:” Oh that roast beef sure looks good,” or “that cherry pie sure looks good.”
Foodie: Look at that slab bacon they’re cooking up! That looks good.
Beast: That thick bread smeared with butter looks good.
Foodie: God I love meat and potatoes. I think it’s my favourite.
Beast: Don’t we have any deep-dish apple pie around here?
Foodie: No and why would we?
Beast: Why don’t you ever buy any?
Foodie: You know you can buy deep-dish apple pie anytime you want.
Beast: I never think of it.
Foodie: Well, I won’t be buying any crap food until my birthday. I have to lose 5 lb. by then or else Lainey won’t come over for our celebratory feast.
Beast: Haven’t you been planning this feast since January?
Beast: I thought you guys lost the 15 lb. you promised to lose together already.
Foodie: Lainey did. I can’t seem to lose the last 5 lb. Now she’s resorted to tough love and if I don’t do it by November 15 I don’t even know what will happen but it won’t be good. And if I do, she’s coming over here and we get to eat pizza and French fries and probably some pie, too.
Beast: What does all this mean?
Foodie: I’m means I’m leaning in.
Beast: No, what does this mean for me?
Foodie: Well, you’re welcome to my healthy dinners for the next three weeks but if you need to supplement the meals, that’s on you.
Beast: I don’t want you to lose any weight.
Foodie: You just want me to buy pie.
Beast: That’s true but I’m serious: I don’t want you to get too skinny.
Foodie: My goal weight is 157 lb. Many people who weight 157 lb. have a goal weight of 125 lb. So you’ve got nothing to worry about.
Beast: Well I’m still starving.
Foodie: Probably because we only had one dinner tonight. We never went back for second dinner.
Beast: So you “leaning in” basically means you’re only eating one dinner a night?
Foodie: Yes, precisely.
Beast: I don’t think that’s what Sheryl Sandberg had in mind.
Foodie: Yeah well Sheryl Sandberg probably has a personal trainer and chef.
Still starving, I fell asleep on the couch while the Beast was picking out something to watch on Netflix. When I woke up, he had fallen asleep too, and was stuck on me, while the living room glowed warmly from another Hollywood classic playing on the television: Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon’s Stuck on You.