Foodie: Do you want to see the photos I took of you asleep last night on the couch?
Beast: I look like a character from a Wachowski brothers’ movie.
Beast: Like I’m trying to dodge bullets in slow motion.
Foodie: Oh yeah! Ha ha, that’s good!
Beast: And sorry–not the Wachowski brothers: the Wachowski siblings. One of them is trans.
Foodie: Oh yeah, good point. This one I took of you at my mom’s is sweeter, don’t you think? You look like a sleeping angel!
Beast: Why do you keep taking photos of me sleeping? To humiliate me?
Foodie: No! Because you are such a sweet sleeper! Look at your sweet, skinny legs! It’s too much. [Pause] Also I think my mom has like 100 photos of me and my brother sleeping. Maybe I got it from her.
Foodie: Speaking of sleeping, why are your new Muji pyjamas in the laundry hamper?
Beast: What are you a detective?
Beast: Uh, they need to be washed?
Foodie: But you only wore them once.
Foodie: Did you get something on them?
Foodie: Did you masturbate on them?
Beast: How did you know that!
Foodie: It was a lucky guess. Are you telling me that after 20 years of masturbatory experience, you can still have an accident?
Beast: It will always remain a mystery to me.
Another mystery–to both of us–is why we are watching Gilmour Girls. Our good friends Nick and Erinn asked us about it recently. They seemed confused–even concerned–over our consumption of the series. I don’t blame them. We feel the same way.
It started several months ago. I had left the Beast alone over a weekend, and in a depressed haze, fuelled by frozen pizza and gin and tonics, he had watched Lars Von Triers Nymphomanic volumes 1 and 2 in a single sitting. He wouldn’t shut up about them, even though he was unsure whether or not he even liked them.
Rarely does the Beast succeed in raising my curiosity enough that I would be willing to sit through a two-hour film, let alone a four-and-a-half-hour sex apocalypse by the premier poet of cinematic doom Lars von Trier. But I had been so moved by his last film–Melancholia–that I gave the movie a chance. The Beast fell asleep 20 minutes into volume 1, and when he woke I was 10 minutes onto season 1, episode 1 of Gilmore Girls. The pendulum had swung hard.
But why do we keep watching? That’s a question I posed to the Beast this afternoon at Aris over a club sandwich and onion rings (him) and a Greek salad with a side of fries (me=healthy eating.)
“Well, it’s the the Downton Abbey thing,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“You can look with condescension at rich people behaving in certain ways and you can say, ‘Aren’t we great because we’ve risen above this,’ while simultaneously revelling in the privileges that a class society like that allows,” he explained. “So with Gilmore Girls, you imagine yourself as being this rich Daughter of the Revolution wasp princess, like I do, but at the same time possess the intelligence to see through it; to hold it in contempt while simultaneously enjoying all the opportunities and prviliages it affords.”
“You think of yourself as a daughter of the revolution?”
“I wish. But that’s not why we’re watching it.”
“Then why are we watching it?!?”
“Defeat,” he said. “Because we’ve fucking given up, man. And that’s the truth.”
He may be right: In the last week, we’ve become those people who write letters of complaint to companies after being dissatisfied with their products and services. After the Beast purchased to two pairs of long underwear from a reputable Canadian company, they both fell apart before they were even washed. So he wrote them. (They are sending him replacements.) And after I rented a car from the company that I’ve been loyal to for a decade, I wrote a letter complaining about the robo-calls I started receiving the next day after the rental. I Googled three of the numbers and the Internet told me that the common denominator was everyone who received the calls had just rented cars from the same company. (I haven’t heard back.)
We have one-and-half seasons left of Gilmore Girls so we certainly can’t give up now. We’re not quitters. But I do worry. I mean, what’s next? A brand partnership between Foodie and the Beast and Kelsey’s?
Categories: At Home