Beast: I think I’m going to start a Twitter account called @QuestionsForChanning.
Foodie: Channing Tatum?
Beast: Obviously. I’d ask him how to get a thicker neck.
Beast: I’d also ask him what kind of milk he drinks. Like, 2% or homo?
Foodie: May I ask you something?
Foodie: Why are there crutches in the living room?
Beast: Oh I brought those home from work.
Foodie: Are you injured?
Beast: Oh no, I’m fine. They’re for some sketch comedy I’m working on.
Beast: I guess you could call it “Crutch Humour”.
Beast: Like, think about a character who’s trying to carry his dinner plate and a drink to the kitchen table and he has to use crutches. Or just think about a character that slides down very slowly and has to get back up.
Foodie: Is that funny?
Beast: I’ll show you.
Foodie: I can’t believe how tanned I still am. Can you?
Beast: You are pretty tanned.
Foodie: The tan lines are just so hilarious, you know? Where my bathing suit was looks like positive and negative space in a painting or something.
Beast: Thanks, Clement Greenberg.
Foodie: You don’t think I’m too tanned, do you?
Beast: No, but you should be careful, especially on your chest.
Foodie: [Looking at boobs] What do you mean?
Beast: Well, this summer they were so tanned that the skin around there got a bit wrinkly.
Foodie: I thought that was just from my vantage point. You could see it too?
Beast: Maybe a little. But it’s gone now. It looks beautiful. But maybe wearing sunscreen will help in the long term.
Foodie: Do you think I should start moisturizing?
Beast: It couldn’t hurt. Where are you going?
Foodie: To get the fucking cream, man!
Beast: I’ll put it on!
Foodie: [Back with cream] Just think, when I turn 50 you’ll be 41.
Beast: I can’t wait. I love older women.
Foodie: You just don’t like older women with leather skin.
Beast: I can’t believe I’m reading this right now. Listen to this: “Just because we get older and our skins get more leathery, so what? Who cares?”
Foodie: Who said that?
Beast: Susan Sontag.
Foodie: Why are you reading Susan Sontag?
Beast: Why are you surprised that I’m reading Susan Sontag?
Foodie: I don’t know.
Beast: Do you want me to go get my Babe Ruth picture book? Would that make you happier? It’s a really good book, actually.
Foodie: Did you send your Shopper Drug Mart Christmas list to your mom?
Beast: Yes, did you?
Foodie: Yes. What did you ask for?
Beast: The usual: razor blades, tooth paste, Q-Tips, deodorant, cuticle oil, nail files.
Foodie: Yeah, me too.
Beast: Huh. Here’s another Sontag quote that’s relevant to us: “Sex is a habit like anything else, and you can get used to a certain quantity of absolutely impersonal, easily procurable sex that lasts two-and-a-half minutes.”
Foodie: When is the Bolognese going to be done?
Beast: 8:30 p.m. That sauce has got to simmer, and then simmer some more.
Foodie: I’m starving.
Beast: Did you fart?
Foodie: I can’t remember.
Beast: It smells like Riverdale Farm in here.
Foodie: Maybe it’s the Bolognese.
Footnote: It wasn’t the Bolognese.