Live-blogging the Bolognese, in non sequiturs

Beast: I think I’m going to start a Twitter account called @QuestionsForChanning.

Foodie: Channing Tatum?

Beast: Obviously. I’d ask him how to get a thicker neck.

Foodie: [Silence]

Beast: I’d also ask him what kind of milk he drinks. Like, 2% or homo?

Foodie: May I ask you something?

Beast: Sure.

Foodie: Why are there crutches in the living room?

Beast: Oh I brought those home from work.

Foodie: Are you injured?

Beast: Oh no, I’m fine. They’re for some sketch comedy I’m working on.

Foodie: [Silence]

Beast: I guess you could call it “Crutch Humour”.

Foodie: [Silence]

Beast: Like, think about a character who’s trying to carry his dinner plate and a drink to the kitchen table and he has to use crutches. Or just think about a character that slides down very slowly and has to get back up.

Foodie: Is that funny?

Beast: I’ll show you.

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Foodie: I can’t believe how tanned I still am. Can you?

Beast: You are pretty tanned.

Foodie: The tan lines are just so hilarious, you know? Where my bathing suit was looks like positive and negative space in a painting or something.

Beast: Thanks, Clement Greenberg.

Foodie: You don’t think I’m too tanned, do you?

Beast: No, but you should be careful, especially on your chest.

Foodie: [Looking at boobs] What do you mean?

Beast: Well, this summer they were so tanned that the skin around there got a bit wrinkly.

Foodie: I thought that was just from my vantage point. You could see it too?

Beast: Maybe a little. But it’s gone now. It looks beautiful. But maybe wearing sunscreen will help in the long term.

Foodie: Do you think I should start moisturizing?

Beast: It couldn’t hurt. Where are you going?

Foodie: To get the fucking cream, man!

Beast: I’ll put it on!

Foodie: [Back with cream] Just think, when I turn 50 you’ll be 41.

Beast: I can’t wait. I love older women.

Foodie: You just don’t like older women with leather skin.

Beast: I can’t believe I’m reading this right now. Listen to this: “Just because we get older and our skins get more leathery, so what? Who cares?”

Foodie: Who said that?

Beast: Susan Sontag.

Foodie: Why are you reading Susan Sontag?

Beast: Why are you surprised that I’m reading Susan Sontag?

Foodie: I don’t know.

Beast: Do you want me to go get my Babe Ruth picture book? Would that make you happier? It’s a really good book, actually.

Foodie: Did you send your Shopper Drug Mart Christmas list to your mom?

Beast: Yes, did you?

Foodie: Yes. What did you ask for?

Beast: The usual: razor blades, tooth paste, Q-Tips, deodorant, cuticle oil, nail files.

Foodie: Yeah, me too.

Beast: Huh. Here’s another Sontag quote that’s relevant to us: “Sex is a habit like anything else, and you can get used to a certain quantity of absolutely impersonal, easily procurable sex that lasts two-and-a-half minutes.”

Foodie: When is the Bolognese going to be done?

Beast: 8:30 p.m. That sauce has got to simmer, and then simmer some more.

Foodie: I’m starving.

Beast: Did you fart?

Foodie: I can’t remember.

Beast: It smells like Riverdale Farm in here.

Foodie: Maybe it’s the Bolognese.

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Footnote: It wasn’t the Bolognese.

2 responses to “Live-blogging the Bolognese, in non sequiturs

  1. Love your blog! Will you be posting some photos from Australia?

  2. i so enjoy your blog! I wish you were always on air at The Social. Those are always my favourite ones 🙂

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