There has been a lot of home decor improvements going on in this house. Or, as we’ve been calling it, project #homedecor.
We cleaned out the sunroom and moved in two new reading chairs that the Beast brought home from work.
And we got rid of the chalkboard in the dining room and plan on building book shelves in there. There was also plenty of general tidying and purging, which involved making piles of the other person’s things and leaving them out in a really passive-aggressive way. For example, I piled up books and CDs belonging to the Beast and left them on his piano bench.
He piled suntanning towels and my wool patio robe–for those chilly nights–that I’d been storing in his music room and left them on my desk.
Every time we see one of these piles, we laugh. There has been a lot of laughing during project #homedecor.
There has also been a lot of pork chops. Pork chops, potatoes and some sort of vegetable, to be precise. I can’t get enough of pork chops this summer. I rub them (always bone-in) with a little olive oil, sea salt and ground pepper. Then I grill them four minutes per side, making sure the fatty edges get charred. Then they are perfect.
One night, while eating pork chops, we were desperate to find something we both wanted to watch on Netflix. The Beast agreed to Original Sin, which I couldn’t believe. Neither of us had seen it. We turned it off after we saw Angelina Jolie’s breasts because we weren’t sure the film could get any better after that.
Next we started Beautiful Girls. I think it’s Natalie Portman’s film debut. Tim Hutton is also in it. And I love Ordinary People. We finished it, even though both of us kind of hated it. Everyone is pretty much an asshole in the movie. One Neanderthal of a character rates women out of 10 in three categories: face, body and personality.
Foodie: What would you rate me?
Beast: I wouldn’t.
Foodie: In residence at McMaster there was a list going around made by the boys. I didn’t make the “Best Body” list but word has it that I ranked at the top of “Best Personality,” so that felt pretty great.
Beast: I’d give your face a 10, your body a 10 and your personality? I’d give that a 4.5.
Beast: You smell again.
Foodie [smelling myself]: Oh, man! What is going on?!
Beast: Well, it is summer and you do ride your bike and you only shower once a week.
Foodie: I shower way more than that. And I didn’t stink like this last summer. It’s not even body odour. It’s something more than that.
Beast: You smell sour.
Foodie: Yes! That’s what it is.
Beast: You smell like your entire being is rotten.
A few nights later, the Beast came home after work with his L.L. Bean tote bag filled to the brim with junk from the store, which I felt was sort of antithetical to what we are trying to accomplish with project #homedecor.
Foodie: What is all this shit?
Beast: Well, isn’t this adorable?
Beast: I’m going to buy a tiny succulent and plant it in here. It will look so great in the sunroom. And what do you think of this?
Foodie: Oh it’s just fantastic. It will be perfect for when we make a batch of our witch potions and stews.
Beast: I’m sorry you don’t share my appreciation of antiques. I was thinking we could use it in the winter to transplant our ivy from the patio. You know, to make it an indoor plant for #homedecor.
Foodie: I appreciate your your #homedecor efforts but you can’t keep bringing all this stuff home from work! I want less stuff in the house, not more! And I saw all those books you brought home. I know you were trying to hide them. We agreed that we needed to get rid of books, not get more.
Beast: Oh I’m sooooo sorry that I brought Schopenhauer essays and books on American politics and the history of fighting ships into our home.
Foodie: Fighting ships? What the fuck are we supposed to do with that?
Beast: You know what? I think your personality just got demoted to 4.25.
Categories: At Home