The Beast offered to make dinner the other night. On the menu? Tuna salad on white Wonder bread with a side of Miss Vicky potato chips.
How could I say no?
In the kitchen:
Foodie: What the fuck do you have on your feet?
Beast: Oh, these? These are a pair of Church’s penny loafers that I picked up from the Salvation Army. They were only $8.
Foodie: They are very pointy.
Beast: I’d like them better if they had a Norwegian toe.
Foodie: A what? What will you even wear them with?
Beast: I’m thinking light-weight brown or white linen pants.
Foodie: Yeah, maybe. In any case, I support your fashion choices. Wait–you put mustard in your tuna salad?
Beast: Always. Don’t worry: it doesn’t over-power anything. Do you want a celery stick? I prepared too much for the tuna salad.
Foodie: Sure, I’ll have one of those. Celery is pretty good, isn’t it. We should go totally healthy and just have healthy snacks like this available at all times.
Beast: Yes, I was just thinking on the subway today that we should go raw. Like, a a raw diet.
Beast: Is carpaccio okay to eat for a raw diet?
Foodie: Well, it is raw.
Beast: You should tell your Italian friends about tuna salad, you know. Show them how to really prepare it, you know…without olive oil. On a scale of one to 10, how creamy do you want this tuna salad to be?
Foodie: How about a four?
Beast: Ugh. I suppose you want me to put olive oil in this, to make it more “Italian”.
Foodie: No, the mayonnaise is fine–I just don’t want it too creamy. I’m putting some cut-up dill pickles on mine, though.
Beast: Please use a separate cutting board because I DO NOT want your pickle juice coming close to my sandwich. [Pause] You know what? I think Wonder bread changed their recipe. And it’s not just that my palate has evolved with age. I really think they tried to make it too healthy. I’m going to write a letter.
Foodie: I’m going to make banana bread tomorrow.
Beast: Can you please not put chocolate chips in it?
Foodie: Why not? Because of your new healthy diet?
Beast: No, because I just don’t like chocolate chips in banana bread.
Foodie: Are you kidding me? Why have you never told me this? The only reason I add them is because I always assumed you loved them!
Beast: Hey, have you ever asked my mom for her banana bread recipe?
Foodie: No, why?
Beast: Well, if you’re banana bread is a 4 out of 10, my mom’s is a 10.
Beast: I’m exhausted after making this dinner. Are you going to pour me a glass of wine or what?
Foodie [Going to the fridge]: I sure will. Do you know what this?
Beast: OMG IS IT?
Foodie: HOLY SHIT IT IS! It’s Brad and Angelina’s award-winning rosé! I was looking all over for it and then I found one bottle and I was going to give it to Lainey because I know she’d just really appreciate it and then do you know what happened? She found three bottles of it at her local LCBO and gifted me one! So now we have two!
Beast: Okay, dinner is ready. I’m basically just waiting for you to pour this wine.
Foodie [texting]: Yeah sure, just a second. OMG Lainey just tweeted about the wine. Can you believe it? What should I say?
Beast: Tell her that I really liked her hair on Wednesday.
Foodie: Oh god I don’t even know how to even respond right now.
Beast: Tell her you can’t tweet because I’ve made dinner and it’s ready right now and I’m starving.
We enjoyed our sandwiches, chips and rosé while finishing the last episode of the mini-series, Top of the Lake. It’s set (and beautifully filmed) in New Zealand. Jane Campion wrote, produced and directed it and it stars Elizabeth Moss from Mad Men.
Foodie: So, did you like it?
Beast: You realize you asked me that after the first episode and I said yes and that you’ve asked it after every other episode, right?
Foodie: I’m just surprised is all. I mean, it was made by a woman and it stars a woman.
Beast: Well, I’m surprised you liked something so intelligent.
Foodie [speaking in what I consider to be a pretty good New Zealand accent]: Top of the lake. Let’s go to the top of the lake, mate, togetha. Yeah, mate. Togetha. Togetha.