At Home

The Beast makes burgers from scratch

When the Beast has Tuesdays off, I can expect a tirade of phone calls and emails from him while I’m at work. They start at about 10:30am asking when I’m coming home and what I am doing.

This most recent Tuesday, he mentioned that he was going to make dinner. He said he was going to make a “ceviche of mussels on a bed of sun-dried tomato and olive tapenade.” After I stopped laughing, he continued. He said he was going to make “hamburgers like Whitney makes them because hers are the best hamburgers in the world.”

“Whitney” is the twentysomething girlfriend of one of his friends. She’s “such a good baker” and she’s “such a good cook.”  And she cooks and bakes for all of her boyfriend’s friends. Like, if they show up at her place, drunk and hungry and making their jokes, she’ll just whip up an impossibly good pasta for the lot of them, without a word of complaint, probably laughing and her hair is down and she’s so carefree. Whitney is also very tall and thin. She’s really pretty, too–if you think Charlotte Gainsbourgh or Kate Beckinsale is good-looking. Whitney sounds just fucking great.

Foodie: Oh, “Whitney’s hamburgers?”

Beast: Don’t even start. I can’t even think of a time in our relationship when you actually made me hamburgers from scratch.

Foodie: I have to go now.

Beast: WAIT! Where is episode 2 of Girls? I can’t find it.

Foodie: I don’t know. I think I probably deleted all that shit from your computer because I thought I would get in trouble from you. Are you watching Girls today?

Beast: I can’t stop. She’s a genius. I hate her. How much do you identify with Lena Dunham’s character?

Foodie: Um, I guess 60 per cent. I have to go now though. I’m working.

Beast: Who do you think I’m most like on Girls?

Foodie: I don’t know. Lena’s character?

Beast: Oh my god, you do?

Foodie (yelling/whispering into phone): I really have to go.

Beast: Who do you think you’re most like?

Foodie: Jessa.

Beast: That’s disgusting. Okay, who am I most like on Sex in the City?


Beast: Samantha?

Foodie: No, Miranda.

Beast: No one wants to be Miranda!


Beat: Love you!!!!

He called again, but I ignored it. So he sent me an email with things I had to pick up to complete our dinner.

  • Kraft cheese slices (don’t buy if there’s only no-name)
  • Wine
  • Romaine lettuce for Caesar salad

Sure enough, when I got home he had already made the burgers. I guess he couldn’t get in touch with Whitney–maybe she was busy baking or being beautiful–so he settled on this recipe by Bobby Flay.

Beast: Did you get the Kraft cheese slices?

Foodie: Yes.

Beast: The real Kraft cheese slices?

Foodie (producing them from my bag): YES.

He also decided that he would prepare all the toppings, like the sliced onions and tomatoes. I have a really hard time watching the Beast using a knife. He can play 45 different instruments, but when it comes to chopping, dicing and slicing, he’s just…cautious.  Pinkie fingers are protruding and he just doesn’t seem like he wants to commit to the act.

Foodie: Here, let me do it.

Beast: No, I’m making dinner.

Foodie: But you’re cutting the onion wrong. If I find another onion in a zip-lock back in the fridge that I can’t use because you’ve cut it wrong, I will lose it.

Beast: I watched a YouTube video on how to do this. I WILL DO IT.

I was taught to cut off both “butts” of the onion and then slice it in two from top to bottom. But the Beast leaves them intact and slices the whole thing down the middle. He then did the fancy thing where you dice the onion while keeping the whole thing together. I was quite impressed, actually–even if it took him three years to do.

We headed to the deck where the Beast manned the grill in his home-time outfit while I looked at Instagram photos.

The burgers smelled, and looked, fantastic.

Inside, I assembled my burger.

And the Beast assembled his three.

We started watching Justified. I think I am enjoying it, mostly because of Timothy Olyphant.

For dessert, I had a quarter of a watermelon in the fridge. We’ve been eating a lot of watermelon this summer. Do you know how I eat watermelon? I just cut off a chunk, grab a spoon and dig in.  I find this method to be more civilized than cutting it into wedges, which inevitably results in watermelon all over your face.

But I was still very hungry, having only eaten one burger. So I cut 2/3 for me and gave the Beast the smaller portion. He’d had three burgers, after all.

He didn’t complain. But he insisted that I watch this video, again.

Foodie: **

Beast: ***

4 replies »

  1. You asked about places to eat a real treat. These really cannot be beat. Try Wynyard Bakery’s sticky sweet cinnamon buns in Wynyard, Saskatchewan on the Yellowhead Highway near the Quill lakes.

  2. I am going to have exactly that meal tonight, if I can get my act together. Question, though: are those really tiny burgers and buns or just extra large tomato slices and Kraft Singles™? I can see why he needed three to constitute a complete meal! But they aren’t “sliders” are they? I might have to stop reading your blog if that is the way this is going to go.

    • They are not sliders. I would stop reading this blog too, if they were. It must have been the fancy camera lens I was using on my iphone™.

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