Breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausages, hash browns and biscuits, with a side of camel toe

The Foodie, back from a morning Sunday run, is in the kitchen making tea biscuits.

Beast: What are you doing?

Foodie: Silence

Beast: Why are you doing that?

Foodie: I’m trying to get a photo of my running pants with the flour hand prints all over them.

Beast: Do you want help?

Foodie: No, I got it.

Beast: But why are you doing that?

Foodie: To illustrate that I run not to keep fit but only to facilitate some of my poor dietary habits. And to illustrate that the first thing I always do after a run is eat like a pig. I couldn’t even shower before making the New Year’s Day biscuits. I had to make the biscuits.

Beast: You know that you have a bit of a camel toe right now.

Foodie: Do I?

At least I got the shot.  With the tea biscuit made and breakfast prepped, I took a shower while the Beast played the piano. Then, I began to assemble a breakfast fit for royalty.

Beast (in the kitchen): What did you put in your hair (frowning).

Foodie: Some sort of curl enhancer product.

Beast: It smells. (Pause) Remember when I had long hair? Do you remember how awesome it looked?

Foodie: I remember, yes.

Beast: Do you remember that photo shoot we did at the cottage so long ago, when you took pictures of me playing my instruments in the woods?

Foodie: I would kill to see those right now. That’s some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.

Foodie: Can I put those photos in my blog?

Beast: I thought you were finished with the blog.

Foodie:  I believe I am, but I have to find a way to end it, preferably on a high note. And the readers really seem to enjoy fashion photos of you so I think that would be nice.

Beast: Better those photos than your camel toe, I suppose. Why not end it with the cabbage rolls we made TOGETHER on New Year’s Eve, and the cocktails that I made for us while we cooked?

Foodie: I wasn’t even going to mention those cabbage rolls, or the nice cozy night in we had watching Downton Abbey with the fire going.

Beast: Why not?

Foodie: Because I’ve posted about cabbage rolls twice before! It would make cabbage rolls a three-peat! I’m a one trick pony. I cook the same ten things, day after day.

Beast: That is true. But what about the fancy appetizers we made?

Foodie: You make a good point, but we really should have made some sort of dipping sauce for them.

Beast (sitting down in dining room with our breakfast): Can I just tell you that this is the one of the best things you’ve ever made for me?

Foodie: Look at these tea biscuits, though!

Foodie: This is one of my no-fail recipes from my mom and look at them! They look like hockey pucks. Don’t you remember how they normally turn out? All airy and fluffy and perfect for tearing open and smearing with butter and jam?

Beast: They taste like shit. What did you do?

Foodie: I don’t know. I just don’t know. Maybe the flaccid tea biscuits symbolize that the end of FATB is in sight.

Beast: So, how are you going to end it? You’ve got a lot of unfinished business and you owe your readers an explanation, at the very least.

Foodie: I realize that. There will be questions. There are things I have to say. It’s got to be a good final post, with no answers left unturned.

Beast: No stones left unturned, I think you mean. You don’t have to stop FATB, just because I’m always telling you to. You don’t have to listen to me.  You know that, right?

Foodie: I know. It’s just time.

Beast: What will you cook for the last post?

Foodie: I won’t be cooking anything. We’ll be eating out.

Beast: But where?

Foodie: It’s obvious, isn’t it?

Breakfast: Foodie **1/2  Beast ***

New Year’s Eve dinner: Foodie ** Beast ***

9 responses to “Breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausages, hash browns and biscuits, with a side of camel toe

  1. If the unabomber had been musical!

  2. You’re only kidding about ending, right? RIGHT!????

  3. Oh, rats. I wish you wouldn’t go. Your blog is educational and hilarious. Plus you turned me onto Zocalo, for which I’m forever grateful.

  4. Turns out the Mayans were right. My world does end in 2012.

    I did not see this coming. Is it too late to rush out and do all the things I promised myself I would do before it was all over? Probably. I bet dolphins are totally sick of swimming with humans at this point in the game.

  5. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  6. Say it ain’t so!! I will beyond miss FATB!!!

  7. wwwhat???? I don’t know how i fell about this potential end- f & b really is my favourite blog, if it’s true I hope there’s a sequel in some form. But, I think I know where you’re going for dinner.

  8. It is only after reading this for the ninth time (the first four times I could only make out half of it through my tears; the next three times I mistakenly consoled myself too enthusiastically with large doses of medicinal spirits and could made no sense of it; the two times that followed I roared in rage and smashed the device I was reading it on, which, after one smartphone, and a laptop makes this the most expensive piece of writing I have ever scrolled through) that I noticed the cliffhanging teaser you have ended this post with. What will be the final restaurant? Splendido? Terroni? Mother India? Tacos el Asador? KFC? The Keg Mansion? The Doktor Oetker Ltd. in-house cafeteria, formerly open only to employees and family members? Eh. You know what? I don’t care. I probably won’t even read the last entry. This part of the interwebz is dead to me.

  9. What am I to say to such heartfelt reactions? I want to soothe you all with kind words and a warm afghan. But sometimes, the truth hurts. And it’s cold out there.

    Buck up, sweet readers. All will be explained in good time.

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