*WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS PHOTOS
THAT SOME READERS MAY FIND OFFENSIVE.
Calling the Beast very late Thursday night while outside of Poutini’s on Queen Street West.
Foodie: I am outside of Poutini’s right now. Do you want me to bring you some poutine home?
Beast: (pause) YES. Why are you not home right now?
Foodie: I had that thing to go to, remember?
Beast: What thing?
Foodie: The Toronto Standard launch party.
Beast: Oh yeah. Was it fun?
Foodie: Great fun! I’ll be home in ten minutes to tell you all about it.
And when I got there, I found the Beast on the couch wearing this.
Foodie: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Beast: I can’t believe you were going to give these pants away!
Foodie: I bought them in a dollar store for a skit I did like two years ago and that’s the only time they’ve been worn!
Beast: A skit?
Foodie: You know how I do a skit sometimes at the annual Christmas party for the restaurant? Well I needed the tights for the one I did two years ago. But that doesn’t matter. You’re wearing my joke tights! And what concerns me almost more than that is thinking about how hard you would have had to dig through my giveaway pile of clothes to find them. How many other pieces of clothing did you try on?
Beast: Just these.
Foodie: Well, you can wear them tonight but then I’m giving them away.
Beast: You’re crazy to give these gems away. Where’s my poutine?
Foodie: Here. I’m famished! All I’ve had to eat today is foie gras, raw tuna and oysters at the Top Chef Canada media thing and some deep-fried stuff at the launch party.
Beast: Oh yeah! I almost forgot about that. How was it?
Foodie: Amazing! Seven of the 16 chefs were there and Mark McEwan and Thea Andrews–
Beast: Who’s that?
Foodie: She’s the sort of Padma-type host and Mark is like Tom Colicchio. And there was a real quick fire challenge and everything! The chefs had to make 25 portions of one dish that used Quebec foie gras, B.C. oysters and Atlantic tuna, or they could make three separate dishes but that meant they’d have to do 75 portions and they only had one hour! There was a clock and everything! The chefs were all sweating and running around and swearing–just like on the American Top Chef!
Foodie: And two of them actually cut themselves, including Dustin. Remember him?
Beast: Who’s Dustin?
Foodie: You know, Dustin? We’ve met him at Tracey and Alex’s dinner parties. The guy that was Susur’s sous chef for six years and now is the executive chef at Grace? Really sweet? Great laugh?
Beast: I’ve never met him.
Foodie: Yes you have. And Alex was actually there too! She worked on the show and she was setting up all the gorgeous displays of food and running around being all professional! It was amazing.
Beast: Did you talk with Mark McEwan?
Foodie: Did I talk with Mark McEwan? Ah, yeah!? At one point he just stood right beside me and we both started laughing at something lewd one of the chef’s said and he was talking to me like we were old pals. I reminded him about that time I bumped into him and his TV crew outside of the Spotted Pig in NYC and how nice they all were to me. And then we had a nice chat about that city and about Toronto and about how much he liked working on the Top Chef Canada show and how hard he was on the chefs. I get a feeling he can smell bullshit a mile away.
Beast: And how was the Toronto Standard launch party?
Foodie: It was a lot of fun, but I think I drank an entire bottle of wine.
Beast: Are you drunk?
Foodie: Surprisingly, no. But then again, I’m eating poutine at 12:30am on a school night so you tell me. Hey, can I delete that photo shoot we did months ago for your “friends and family” Christmas card?
Beast: Which ones?
Foodie: You know, the ones where you hung up white sheets in the bedroom to serve as a backdrop while you posed naked with a little plastic Christmas tree covering–but not always covering–your privacies, and forced me to take at least a hundred different photos of you? I’d really like to delete them simply because every time I upload photos from my camera to my computer they pop up and it’s like looking into the dark eyes of a terrifying truth.
Beast: Liar! Don’t you remember how hard you were laughing?
Foodie: That’s true. I was in physical pain from laughing so hard. But there are some things, how do I say this, that couples should do in private, like their Christmas party skits or their Christmas card photo shoots. There are some things that should be left to the imagination. No–that’s not what I mean because I wouldn’t want to ever imagine you doing those poses. I don’t know what I mean. I’m very intoxicated. May I delete them?
Beast: Go ahead and delete them but I think they’re artful.
Foodie: They’re something, that’s for sure.
Beast: When can I watch your Top Chef video?
Foodie: I don’t know. Probably tomorrow. (Or now.)
Beast: I’m really proud of you, you know that, right?
Foodie: Yes, and thank you–but maybe wait until you see the video before you start handing out accolades. I have a feeling there’s going to be some rather graphic footage of me shoving food down my throat.
Beast: Like what you’re doing right now? I can’t believe you finished your poutine before me. You’re like an animal!
Foodie: YOU’RE WEARING LEOPARD PRINT LADY TIGHTS.