At Home

Hot Dogs, Frozen Fries and a Special Appetizer

Because of Toronto’s recent winter storm, the Beast got a snow day and my indoor soccer game got canceled, which meant I was coming home for dinner.  It also meant that while I was at work, the Beast called me a few times.

On the telephone.

Beast:  What are you doing?

Foodie:  Working.

Beast:  Can you believe I’m listening to Bach while reading a monograph on Vincent Van Gogh and all I can think about are hot dogs and frozen French fries?

Foodie:  My soccer game is canceled because of the weather so–

Beast:  You guys play outdoors?

Foodie (sighing): No.  So I’ll be home for dinner.

Beast:  Perfect! I’ll pick up the hot dogs and fries!

Foodie:  We can’t really have that for dinner.

Beast:  Oh yes we can.

Foodie:  No we can’t.  Seriously.  I’m working on a story about the Freshman 15 and the thought of eating all that crap makes me nauseous.

Beast:  How do you make garlic mayonnaise?

Foodie:  I don’t know–add some garlic to some mayonnaise.  We’ve got garlic powder too you know.  Are you listening to me?  I can’t eat that stuff.  I’ve gained two pounds just thinking about it.

Beast:  Fine.  But don’t you dare ever say I’m not a dinner idea contributor again!  And you know what?  If you gained 15 pounds you couldn’t call it the Freshman 15!  You’d have to call it, “I’m Just a Fat Fuck 15”!  Just take the stairs instead of elevators or escalators.  There.  Your story is done.  What time are you coming home again?

Foodie:  You’re right.  Let’s have hot dogs.  I’ll be home around 7.

When I got there, I found the Beast setting up his equipment and ingredients for dinner.

Foodie:  Did you just grind some pepper onto those frozen fries?

Beast:  Yes.

Foodie:  Why not add the pepper on after the fries are cooked?

Beast:  It’s better this way. Do you like Montreal-style hot dogs?

Foodie:  What are those?

Beast:  You steam them and add ketchup and mustard and finely chopped fresh onion.

Foodie:  Sure.

Beast:  Would you like three or four hot dogs?

Foodie:  I’ll take two.

Beast:  Oh, I almost forgot!  I got us a special appetizer.

Foodie:  So we’re having French fries AND potato chips tonight?

Beast:  It’s more like, “potatoes two ways”.  Oh hey, I was going to comment on your blog today.

Foodie:  Oh yeah?  What stopped you?

Beast:  I don’t want to have anything to do with it.  But I was going to say, “I THOUGHT THIS WAS A FOOD BLOG, NOT A CLEANING BLOG.”  All you do is talk about cleaning.

Foodie:  It’s a valid point and I’ll take it to heart.

Foodie: I wonder what Gordon Ramsay would have to say about you using his Royal Doulton cookware to steam hot dogs and buns.

Beast:  They’re almost ready.  Do you want to dress your own?

Foodie:  Yes please.

I stood back as the Beast plated his four dogs. With our arms filled and glasses full, we made our way to the living room/dining room.

After dinner, on the couch.

Beast: Why is it that finely chopped cooking onions taste so good?

Foodie:  I don’t know but those were really good hot dogs.  The fries were terrible, don’t you think?

Beast:  They don’t taste as good as I remember.

Foodie: I think it’s because they took out all the bad stuff, like the trans fats–all the good stuff that give frozen fries flavour.  (Pause)  Do you feel funny?  I feel funny in the head and in my stomach.

Beast: Like you’re going to be sick?

Foodie:  No, I just feel weird everywhere.  Like there’s evil coursing threw my veins.

Beast:  I feel fine, great actually.

I took a fat-fuck bullet for the team eating the Beast’s hot dog dinner.   But it was worth it.

Foodie: *

Beast: **1/2

Categories: At Home

5 replies »

  1. Golly those hot dogs look great. My favourite meal. And by the way, who gives a flying fuck what Gordon Ramsay would think.

  2. An authentic “thank you” for 2 posts in one week – especially during the saddest, stupidest, coldest month of all time. And a sarcastic “thank you” for a post about hot dogs … because I’m ridiculously hungry right now, the salad I tried to trick my stomach into believing was a meal is doing nothing for me, and I know there’s a hot dog cart right outside the front door. If I eat carcinogens on a bun for lunch, imma blame you.

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