At Home

Knock Out Pot Roast

The other day I got a hankering for a good old pot roast, of the beef variety. I can’t recall the last time I made a pot roast and I don’t have a go-to recipe for one so I turned to these two sources and constructed my own dish.

I made a dry rub of flour, dry mustard, garlic powder, crumbled up bay leaves, salt and pepper, and then I generously applied it to my blade roast.

After searing the meat I plunked it on top of some coarsely chopped carrots, potatoes and leeks that I’d arranged in the slow cooker. Then I poured a can of beef broth into the pan I seared the meat in so that all those crispy bits wouldn’t be washed down the drain. I also added a squirt each of Worcestershire sauce and tomato paste. This was added to the slow-cooker pot and then I turned it to high and went on about my day.

Six hours later, the house was filled with the most wonderful smell.

Beast (getting home from work): What did you make? It smells amazing in here!

Foodie: It’s a pot roast! It was so easy to do! Why aren’t we eating pot roast every day? Or at least every Sunday. I see you’ve come around on the Nudie jeans I handed down to you.

Beast: They’re okay I guess. I still think they look girlie.

Foodie: They’re actually men’s jeans.

Beast: You wore men’s jeans?

Foodie: Yes. Oh shit–I forgot about the asparagus roasting in the oven!

Beast: Asparagus? That’s a little surprising coming from you.

Foodie: What’s that supposed to mean?

Beast: You won’t buy strawberries for me because they’re not in season but the last time I checked asparagus isn’t growing right now in Ontario.

Foodie: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I just really wanted asparagus. Oh shit–I almost forgot something else! Look at this! (Starts pulling pants down.)

Beast: Why are you taking off your pants?

Foodie: Because I discovered something new today! Look! (Pointing to an incredibly faint line defining the mark between her rectus femoris muscle and vastus medialis muscle on her right thigh.)

Foodie: Do you see it?

Beast: Yes, I see it.

Foodie: Isn’t it amazing? I mean, I can’t find this line on my left leg yet but it’s not just in my head, is it? You can see it too, right?

Beast: Yes I can see it and it’s disgusting.

Foodie: What do you mean?

Beast: I don’t like muscular women.

Foodie: I’m not muscular but this is a fucking thigh let me tell you! (Banging fists on flexed thigh.)

Beast: I don’t like hanging out with hunters.

Foodie: What?

Beast: Hunters, or people with leg muscles like that.

Foodie: I think it’s awesome to find a new muscle.

Beast: The muscle has always been there–it’s just more defined now.

Foodie: That’s what I meant.

Beast: Can we eat now?

Foodie: Yes! I just have to slice the roast.

Beast: I’ll slice the roast thank you.

Foodie: Fine (handing the Beast the knife.) Why is it that men always seem to do the meat carving?

Beast:  I don’t know.  How’s this?

Foodie:  Um, those are pretty thick slices.   I think I would have sliced it thinner.

Beast:  No, you wouldn’t have because we don’t have one of those carving forks to stabilize the meat.  This is as thin as it gets.

Foodie:  I really think I could have sliced it thinner and I wouldn’t need a novelty size fork to do it either.

We each prepared our plates and made our way to the living room.

Beast: Is the movie all ready to go?

Foodie:  Yes it is.

Beast:  I’m really shocked you chose “Howl”.  You do know it’s about a gay Jewish poet who hung out with a bunch of beatniks, hippies and drug addicts, and who was middle-class, right?

Foodie:  (Pause) Yes.

(Five minutes pass.)

Beast:  I’m turning this shit off.  Is that okay?

Foodie:  Only if we can watch the end of Rocky III!  I was watching it before you got home and if we’re lucky it’s right at the part where Rocky hits rock bottom and Apollo and Adrian have to give him the talk and then it’s the training sequence part that is simply the best part of any Rocky movie.

Beast: (finding Rocky III on the television)  WOW.  Why don’t men wear athletic gear like this anymore?  I would work out if I could dress like that.

Foodie:  You would, wouldn’t you?  If you could wear little shorts like that and little tankini tops, you’d be an athlete.  You’re so odd.

Beast:  I’m odd because I like good fashion?  You’re the psycho taking off her pants in the kitchen!

Foodie:  Did I ever tell you that when I was a kid, my brother and I used to watch the Rocky movies quite frequently?  Even number IV with the Russian guy, Drago I think.  Anyway, after the inevitable training sequence, which was always set against an inspirational soundtrack, I’d be overwhelmed with the urge to just, you know, run.  So I’d go outside and run around the perimeter of our house over and over again.  Fuck it felt good.  Were the Rocky movies an important part of your youth too?

Beast:  Yeah, big time.

Foodie:  They were!?

Beast: Of course not dummy–I think they were before my time.

Foodie: That’s a shame.

Beast: This is one of the best dinners you’ve made.

Foodie:  Yes it is.  And if we play our cards right we can stretch it out over two nights.

Beast:  Great. There you go with your portion control again.

Foodie:  There’s over four pounds of meat!  It should serve a family of six, at least!  I’m asking that it serve us two for two consecutive dinners.  That’s not portion control–that’s just me not wanting to make dinner tomorrow night.

My plan worked: all I had to do the next night was make a batch of buttery mashed potatoes to soak up all the goodness of the leftover pot roast dinner.

Foodie: ***

Beast: ***

Categories: At Home

7 replies »

  1. i know there’s a lot of things about us that are exactly the same, but… Rocky IV! my brother and i used to watch it once/week. at least! i loved it when drago was running around the inside track like a psychopath. samesies! xo

    • Yippee! I love this bit of information! And when Drago is on the treadmill and the incline keeps getting higher and higher? Couldn’t you just die? Too fantastic. xo

    • Aren’t they amazing? I especially love the one of Apollo pensive on the beach with that absurd little top on. I think I Googled, “Awesome photos of Rocky and Apollo on a beach”

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