At Home

Is Ham Health Food?

Last night on the couch after dinner watching Northern Exposure on TV…

Beast: I was going through some of your older blog entries and your cooking has really changed a lot.

Foodie: That isn’t a compliment, is it.

Beast: You just used to cook better things. I mean, ever since you started on this
portion control and health kick thing your cooking has really taken a turn for the worse.

Foodie: You are unbelievable. Plus, you don’t have to control your portions. Plus
I would hardly call the food I prepare “health food”. We just ate ham and split pea soup, a ton of cheese and bread.

Beast: It was whole grain bread. (Pause) When you take the dirty dishes into the
kitchen will get me a vodka?

Foodie: Why do you presume that I’m taking the dishes into the kitchen?

Beast: Because I made dinner.

Foodie: Excuse me? You heated up the soup that I made yesterday and you took the cheese out of the fridge, unwrapped it and put it on a plate!

Beast: I bought the cheese though.

Foodie (walking away with the dishes into the kitchen and maniacally laughing): You want to do a breakdown of who buys what? Do not even attempt to go there because I will finish it and I will take you down!

Beast: (yelling from the living room) I’m done with whole grain bread! I’m done with buckwheat! I’m done with wheat germ!


Beast: (yelling from the living room) I want bleached enriched floor! I want white
rice–none of that brown stuff you snuck in the other night with your healthy meal.

Foodie: (yelling from the kitchen) The vegetable curry from my new Nigella cookbook that I made simultaneously with the ham and split pea soup?

Beast: (yelling from the living room) The curry was okay but I could tell how shitty the rice was in your shitty little healthy curry. Will you put a squeeze of lime in my vodka please?

Foodie: (yelling from the kitchen) Unbelievable! But the joke’s on you! That brown basmati rice was expired and I served it to you anyway!

Beast: Just look at your blog for the proof.

Foodie (back in the living room and handing the Beast his vodka with a squeeze of
lime): Proof? You’re nuts. And you need to cool your jets and you need to stop drinking my white wine! We just finished off a bottle and now you have your vodka and I got nothing!

Beast: That wine was too flowery and fruity and shitty tasting.

Foodie: THEN WHY DID YOU CONSUME TWO GLASSES OF IT?!? We each buy our own alcohol from now on.

Beast: Fine. Then stop eating that peanut brittle this instant because my mom gave that to us so it’s mine.

Foodie: Are you fucking kidding me?

Beast: You’re really eating a lot of sweets these days.

Foodie: No I’m not! What’s that supposed to mean?

Beast: That’s my peanut brittle and you’ve nearly eaten the whole bag!

Foodie: I ate one piece! And you and Nick Edwards ate most of it the other night WHEN I MADE YOU A HAM DINNER!!!!

Foodie: And I let you and Nick play upstairs in your music room while I

Beast: You kicked me out of the kitchen man!

Foodie: Because you were making a fucking mess!

Beast: I bought that ham.

Foodie: (Silence)

Beast: Remember when Nick came over on New Year’s Day for the ham dinner that you cooked and I paid for and we still had our pajamas on so to make us feel better he took off his pants and spent the rest of the evening in his sweat top and thermal underwear?

Foodie: That was nice. And remember how the three of us curled up on the couch after eating the dinner that I made and we sipped on scotch and watched tv in front of the fire and ate the brittle that your mom gave you?

Beast: Maybe we should ask Nick Edwards to move in with us.

Foodie: We could probably order him around a lot. He was going on about what an amazing dish washer he is–he could wash all the dishes. (Pausing to watch a funny scene unfold in a Northern Exposure episode) Did you see that? That was hilarious.

Beast: I don’t need a “blogger” and a “humour expert” to point out the funny bits of a show that I’ve been watching longer than you’ve been watching. You were probably completing a “Masters degree” while I was watching this episode air
live as a child.

Foodie: Wow. You’re just on fire tonight. So much hostility.

Beast: You’re the one being hostile!

Foodie: Stop hitting me with your feet!


Foodie: You hate it when I touch your feet.

Beast: Because you don’t do it right!

The Foodie tries to touch the Beast’s feet in the right way.

Beast: That’s enough. Thank you.

Foodie: That vegetable curry was pretty shitty.

Beast: It wasn’t bad. It was just that shitty brown rice.

Foodie: I’m sorry I fed you expired rice.

Beast: I’m sorry I told you couldn’t eat the brittle. Do you want some?

Foodie: No thanks. May I have some of your scotch though?

Beast: (Pause) Yes.

Foodie: Did you like the ham & split pea soup?

Beast: Yes.

Foodie: I think I should have added more water to it when we heated it up: it was too gloopy and gloppy.

Beast: I’ll eat the left overs tomorrow.

Foodie: You could ask Nick Edwards to come over and he could eat it with you and then you could make him wash the dishes and I bet he’d hold your feet just right too.

Beast: He probably would do it perfectly–have you seen the size of that guy’s hands? They’re huge!

Foodie: (smiling) Oh are they? I’d never noticed.

Nigella’s Vegetable Curry: Foodie ** Beast *1/2

Baked Ham & Scalloped Potatoes & Cabbage Salad:
Foodie *** Beast ***

Ham & Split Pea Soup: Foodie * Beast **





Categories: At Home

2 replies »

  1. A Must read…Is this a blog or sitcom? I think it should be adapted for TV. We too are re-watching Northern Exposure on DVD. Plus Seinfeld. We need a new sitcom for 2011… The Allen and Gadke Clans joining forces to save the world from “LACK of ENTERTAINMENT”. Artists, musicians, writers, producers. We could do it! Ahh, I digress a little too much scotch for me tonight…

  2. I feel the same way as Steph. Or, almost the same way, with a little more “en” on the end. Why do we endure trudging across the current dolorous, dehumanizing media landscape when we could be settling down with some thematic cheese plates and enjoying FATB TV? It would be like The Honeymooners for the third millennium, but oodles better. And not just because it would be in living colour, and possibly 3d once the technology has matured. IS THERE NO ONE READING THIS WHO CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN? C’MON, PEOPLE!!!

    I had no idea rice had an expiry date. I assumed I could crack open an Egyptian tomb, blow the dust off some deceased vizier’s picnic basket for the afterlife and get down to making some pilaf. It goes bad? It explains a lot about my mixed success with rice cooking.

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