White Bean and Sausage Stew

This morning, getting ready for work.

Foodie: I hate all of my clothes! Will you turn down that music?

Beast: (Turns up the music and starts dancing.)

Foodie: (Calmly) I know you need attention from me right now but I am very late for work and I just need to pick out an outfit here but I’m having a very difficult time because–

Beast: Because I’m being too fucking cute? Fine, I’ll stop.

Foodie: Can you go downstairs or something? I just really need some alone time. I truly have no clothes. None of my pants fit. Here, you want this pair?

Beast: These black ones? Fuck yeah! These are awesome! (He tries them on.)

Foodie: They’re a bit short on you.

Beast: I like them like that. Why don’t you want them?

Foodie: They’re too big–I look like I shit myself when I wear them.

Beast: You’re being a real skinny bitch this morning.

The Beast has taken quite a liking to calling me a skinny bitch. Just to be clear, I’m not skinny, but I have lost a little weight, which I don’t want to talk about: just trust that I did it in a healthy way, without pills or cleanses, and mostly just by having one dinner at night instead of two. Unfortunately, not only do I have just one pair of pants that fit me (which I wore every day last week) but I also recently gave away two garbage bags filled with skinny clothes–including a winter coat and several pairs of pants–that I could really use right about now.

Beast: I don’t like you so skinny.

Foodie: Will you please stop calling me that! I’m not skinny!

Beast: Well you sure act like you are! I hate it! You’re being so mean to me this morning. I wish you were fat again.

Foodie: (Contorting over with laughter). I AM STILL KIND OF FAT! STOP CALLING ME SKINNY! Listen. I’m sorry. But you know sometimes I just need quiet time in the morning. No free jazz. No hillybilly music. I JUST NEED TO GET DRESSED ALONE. It’s hard picking out an outfit when you’re standing right behind me.

Beast: Want to take the subway together this morning?

Foodie: I’m going to be another ten minutes here at least.

Beast: I’ll wait.

Foodie: Ah, okay, but would you be offended if I read? That’s the only nice part about taking the subway over riding my bike.

Beast: Yes, I would be offended. I want to talk the entire way.

The Beast did wait. And he watched me, in very close proximity, put on my boots and throw shit into my bag like a maniac, and he also let me leave the house wearing an outfit that makes me look like a cowgirl, or a cowgirl wearing Luke Skywalker boots.

On the subway

Foodie: How was the white bean and sausage stew I made yesterday? (I made the stew in the afternoon before leaving the house for the evening. The Beast and I were supposed to meet at home and eat it together, but I ended up eating elsewhere, and because I only eat one dinner now instead of two, I declined a bowl once we got home. Instead, while Robocop played on the television, the Beast ate the stew and I fell asleep on the couch.)

Beast: It was really good.

Foodie: Was it good enough for me to make again?

Beast: No.

Foodie: Did it need salt?

Beast: No, the seasoning was fine–it’s just that the beans were a little hard.

Foodie: They couldn’t have been that hard–you had about three servings in your big bowl.

Beast: They were still a bit hard.

Foodie: Damn it! I’m sorry, but I had to leave the house before they were completed cooked through and I thought that if I just left the pot on the burner after I turned off the stove that it would do the trick.

Beast: That’s okay. I could have made dinner too you know. In fact, I think we should have tacos one night this week.

Foodie: That’s a great idea! You could do a taco night–you could handle that!

Beast: I want pork chops too. Do you have any pork chop recipes?

Foodie: Well, there’s that Jamie Oliver one where you roast pork chops with potatoes, parsnips and pears.

Beast: Yuck! I’m done with European food: No more pears. No more parsnips. I’m only eating American food from now on.

Foodie: I don’t think it’s a typically “European” dish though–

Beast: No way. I just want pork chops and–

Foodie: Mashed potatoes?

Beast: No, french fries. Wait–Freedom Fries.

Foodie: You want pork chops and fries for dinner?

Beast: Yes.

Foodie: And you’re going to make this?

Beast: (Pause) Yes. Where do I buy pork chops from?

Foodie: (TBA–We are having the white bean and sausage stew again tonight.)

Beast: *1/2

6 responses to “White Bean and Sausage Stew

  1. “Freedom Fries”? Passe, Beast.

  2. That looks sooooo good. Can’t get sausage down here but I am trying that with chorizo, or smoked pork chops, or ribs.
    When I got to this part the ad by google was “frijol al minuto” Kind of scary isn’t it? They know this is about beans and they know I am accessing it from Mexico.

  3. I need to start eating only one dinner.

  4. Made water come out my nose laughing at how this post concluded.

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