This morning, getting ready for work.
Foodie: I hate all of my clothes! Will you turn down that music?
Beast: (Turns up the music and starts dancing.)
Foodie: (Calmly) I know you need attention from me right now but I am very late for work and I just need to pick out an outfit here but I’m having a very difficult time because–
Beast: Because I’m being too fucking cute? Fine, I’ll stop.
Foodie: Can you go downstairs or something? I just really need some alone time. I truly have no clothes. None of my pants fit. Here, you want this pair?
Beast: These black ones? Fuck yeah! These are awesome! (He tries them on.)
Foodie: They’re a bit short on you.
Beast: I like them like that. Why don’t you want them?
Foodie: They’re too big–I look like I shit myself when I wear them.
Beast: You’re being a real skinny bitch this morning.
The Beast has taken quite a liking to calling me a skinny bitch. Just to be clear, I’m not skinny, but I have lost a little weight, which I don’t want to talk about: just trust that I did it in a healthy way, without pills or cleanses, and mostly just by having one dinner at night instead of two. Unfortunately, not only do I have just one pair of pants that fit me (which I wore every day last week) but I also recently gave away two garbage bags filled with skinny clothes–including a winter coat and several pairs of pants–that I could really use right about now.
Beast: I don’t like you so skinny.
Foodie: Will you please stop calling me that! I’m not skinny!
Beast: Well you sure act like you are! I hate it! You’re being so mean to me this morning. I wish you were fat again.
Foodie: (Contorting over with laughter). I AM STILL KIND OF FAT! STOP CALLING ME SKINNY! Listen. I’m sorry. But you know sometimes I just need quiet time in the morning. No free jazz. No hillybilly music. I JUST NEED TO GET DRESSED ALONE. It’s hard picking out an outfit when you’re standing right behind me.
Beast: Want to take the subway together this morning?
Foodie: I’m going to be another ten minutes here at least.
Beast: I’ll wait.
Foodie: Ah, okay, but would you be offended if I read? That’s the only nice part about taking the subway over riding my bike.
Beast: Yes, I would be offended. I want to talk the entire way.
The Beast did wait. And he watched me, in very close proximity, put on my boots and throw shit into my bag like a maniac, and he also let me leave the house wearing an outfit that makes me look like a cowgirl, or a cowgirl wearing Luke Skywalker boots.
On the subway
Foodie: How was the white bean and sausage stew I made yesterday? (I made the stew in the afternoon before leaving the house for the evening. The Beast and I were supposed to meet at home and eat it together, but I ended up eating elsewhere, and because I only eat one dinner now instead of two, I declined a bowl once we got home. Instead, while Robocop played on the television, the Beast ate the stew and I fell asleep on the couch.)
Beast: It was really good.
Foodie: Was it good enough for me to make again?
Foodie: Did it need salt?
Beast: No, the seasoning was fine–it’s just that the beans were a little hard.
Foodie: They couldn’t have been that hard–you had about three servings in your big bowl.
Beast: They were still a bit hard.
Foodie: Damn it! I’m sorry, but I had to leave the house before they were completed cooked through and I thought that if I just left the pot on the burner after I turned off the stove that it would do the trick.
Beast: That’s okay. I could have made dinner too you know. In fact, I think we should have tacos one night this week.
Foodie: That’s a great idea! You could do a taco night–you could handle that!
Beast: I want pork chops too. Do you have any pork chop recipes?
Foodie: Well, there’s that Jamie Oliver one where you roast pork chops with potatoes, parsnips and pears.
Beast: Yuck! I’m done with European food: No more pears. No more parsnips. I’m only eating American food from now on.
Foodie: I don’t think it’s a typically “European” dish though–
Beast: No way. I just want pork chops and–
Foodie: Mashed potatoes?
Beast: No, french fries. Wait–Freedom Fries.
Foodie: You want pork chops and fries for dinner?
Foodie: And you’re going to make this?
Beast: (Pause) Yes. Where do I buy pork chops from?
Foodie: (TBA–We are having the white bean and sausage stew again tonight.)
Categories: At Home