Pork Chops Outside and the C-Word

The first dinner of the season that you eat outside is always memorable.  This one on Sunday night was especially so.  The Beast got a ride home from work with his parents because he had too much to carry on the subway.  He phoned before they left and he wouldn’t tell me what it was that he was bringing home.  I just assumed it was going to be a tuba.

Was I wrong. Turns out Dr. Oetker’s frozen pizzas were on sale three for ten dollars at the Value-Mart around the corner from where the Beast works (and where his folks live.)  He bought a dozen of them.

Beast:  Well it looks like my dinner duties are taken care of for the next little while.

Foodie:  What does that mean?  

Beast:  It means on those nights when you tell me that I’m in charge of making dinner, I’ll have dinner ready in exactly twelve minutes.

Foodie:  Can we starting grilling now?  I’m starving.

While the Beast started barbecuing the asparagus, potatoes and pork chops I’d prepared, I set up our little table.  

Foodie:  You know, I think I’m the only one I know who actually liked the new Sex in the City movie.  Didn’t you like it?

Beast:  Well, it felt like a movie made by aliens who had read a western newspaper for a week and decided to make a film about “issues”.

Foodie:  I thought it was hilarious!  Remember how embarrassed  you were whenever I laughed loudly?

Beast:  I wasn’t embarrassed.

Foodie:  You looked embarrassed, or bewildered, or shocked at least.

Beast:  I think I was more shocked that the entire audience felt it was appropriate to talk, comment and sing at any given moment during that movie.

(For the record, the Beast may have been the only straight man at our screening.  The rest of the audience was filled with women wearing high heels (most of whom weren’t used to wearing high heels but I bet they felt it was necessary to to so) and gay men. And a few of these gay men were shouting, whooping it up, and actually talking to the characters on the screen for the entire duration of the film:  Oh shit, you go Samantha!  Damn!  I love this song!  

Foodie:  But what did you think of the actual movie?

Beast:  I was entertained I guess.

Foodie:  That’s my point!  I only cringed a few times during really terrible parts but I was in stitches for the rest.  What were people expecting?  Lawrence of Arabia?

Beast:  The first two seasons of the TV show where they used the talking heads were actually really good though.

Foodie:  But the critics are complaining about absurd things, like the girls’ over-indulging in the middle of a recession, however not only do the characters acknowledge and even provide the audience with an explanation for particular extravagances, but also it’s JUST A MOVIE! And I mean every episode of the entire series has Carrie saying expository bullshit like, “I couldn’t help but wonder,” or “As I thought to myself.”  So to point out the countless examples of this in the film, like when Carrie’s voiceover actually says, “Later that day, Big and I arrived home,” while Carrie and Big walk in the door of their home, just seems pointless.  Of course it’s a bad film!  Of course the dialogue is embarrassing!  Of course it’s not realisitic!  That’s why I went to go see it!

Beast:  Those women are f–king c–ts.

Foodie:  Excuse me?  What did you just say?

Beast:  All of them, except for maybe Charlotte.   They’re horrible, horrible people.

Foodie:  I disagree.  Actually, Carrie was horrific in this movie.  And really, really orange.   

Beast:  I think these pork chops are done.

As we sat down to eat our dinner, I couldn’t help but wonder how the Beast managed to cook those chops to perfection.  All the components to this meal came together perfectly. We hummed with satisfaction after each and every bite.  

Later that night, after we’d cleaned up and moved ourselves inside, I thought to myself, I am going to get that cake that the Beast brought home for our Sunday night dinner from Rahier bakery.  The Beast’s dad carried it in for us because the Beast’s arms were filled with frozen pizzas.  The Beast’s dad accidently dropped the box but, overwhelmed by the plethora of pizzas, we forgot to check the state of the cake.

I had one delicious bite and then went to bed.  The Beast ate the remains of the cake for breakfast.

Foodie:  ***

Beast:  ***


4 responses to “Pork Chops Outside and the C-Word

  1. totally down with the Beast on breakfast cake. breakfast tiramisu. breakfast crème brûlée.

  2. Thanks for the dialogue! I was just in NYC, and the huge Sex and the City 2 posters all over town were largely defaced, some in poor taste. It made me laugh. I can’t wait to see it. Also, I would like a freezer full of pizza.

  3. The table looks beautiful, and I love the review of the movie. Go Simon! on finding a deal.

  4. I’m off to Value Mart right now!

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