I can’t sleep in on Saturday mornings. Every Friday I’m up by 7:00am and work 9 to 5 at my day job. Then I head straight to the restaurant and work until about 1:00am. Not to sound like a hero or anything, but that’s an 18 hour day and it earns me sleep-in privileges. Try as I might, I can’t. When I got home last night I was wide awake, so I decided to read a bit, being careful not to wake the Beast. There were books that smart people read by my bedside, along with some back issues of Gourmet magazine, but I craved something else: I’d recently downloaded a shitty pdf version of an interesting book called “Breaking Dawn.” It’s the fourth book in a series called, “Twilight.” Maybe you’ve heard of it. So I sat in bed with my computer on my chest reading (until 3:30am) the story of a human girl in love with a vampire, best friends with a werewolf, and who desires nothing more than for her vampire lover to turn her into a vampire too.
I never wanted to be this person. I used to smugly snicker behind adults’ backs when they told me, “you should seriously read the Harry Potter books. No, seriously. They’re amazing!” Sure thing: I’ll get right on reading those kid’s books just as soon as I exchange my Dumbledore lunch box for a Nimbus 3000 broom stick. Same thing for Twilight. When I heard that girlfriends were reading the books, I felt sorry for them.
Then I accidentally rented the movie, watched it twice, downloaded the second book and read it straight through with only one bathroom break–all in the course of about 24 hours. Oh–and I also looked for photos of Robert Pattinson on the internet. I’ve only had three other character crushes as absurd as this one: my first was River Phoenix in The Mosquito Coast, the second was Brad Pitt as Tristan in Legends of the Fall, and the third, oddly enough, was Russell Crowe in Gladiator.
I’ve hidden my addiction from the Beast. Although, I don’t think I’ve done a very good job. This morning the Beast asked me to make coffee and I replied, “Edward would never speak that disrespectfully to Bella. I’m going to make pancakes now.”
And I did, using a Nigella Lawson recipe I found in How to be a Domestic Goddess. The last time I visited my mother, she sent me home with a jug of Ontario maple syrup. That, with a pint of Ontario strawberries, would top off breakfast perfectly.
Beast: May I add sliced bananas to mine?
Foodie: You don’t have to ask my permission for that you know.
Beast: Don’t you think it’s indicative of the sort of paper the Toronto Star is that the Insight section is only three pages?
Foodie: Would you pass the syrup please?
Beast: And they have about 50 pages dedicated to Wheels. Two entire sections every Saturday.
Foodie: It’s the only newspaper we can afford to have delivered. Do you like the pancakes?
Beast: Yes, they’re very good.
Foodie: If I asked you to change me into a vampire because you were already a vampire, would you?
Beast: How old are you?
Apparently I’m old enough to spend my Saturday afternoon making a collage of me and R-Patz using a photo I cut out of Life & Style (see above).
I’m going to shower now in an attempt to wash away my shame.