Because of Toronto’s recent winter storm, the Beast got a snow day and my indoor soccer game got canceled, which meant I was coming home for dinner. It also meant that while I was at work, the Beast called me a few times.
On the telephone.
Beast: What are you doing?
Foodie: Working.
Beast: Can you believe I’m listening to Bach while reading a monograph on Vincent Van Gogh and all I can think about are hot dogs and frozen French fries?
Foodie: My soccer game is canceled because of the weather so–
Beast: You guys play outdoors?
Foodie (sighing): No. So I’ll be home for dinner.
Beast: Perfect! I’ll pick up the hot dogs and fries!
Foodie: We can’t really have that for dinner.
Beast: Oh yes we can.
Foodie: No we can’t. Seriously. I’m working on a story about the Freshman 15 and the thought of eating all that crap makes me nauseous.
Beast: How do you make garlic mayonnaise?
Foodie: I don’t know–add some garlic to some mayonnaise. We’ve got garlic powder too you know. Are you listening to me? I can’t eat that stuff. I’ve gained two pounds just thinking about it.
Beast: Fine. But don’t you dare ever say I’m not a dinner idea contributor again! And you know what? If you gained 15 pounds you couldn’t call it the Freshman 15! You’d have to call it, “I’m Just a Fat Fuck 15″! Just take the stairs instead of elevators or escalators. There. Your story is done. What time are you coming home again?
Foodie: You’re right. Let’s have hot dogs. I’ll be home around 7.
When I got there, I found the Beast setting up his equipment and ingredients for dinner.
Foodie: Did you just grind some pepper onto those frozen fries?
Beast: Yes.
Foodie: Why not add the pepper on after the fries are cooked?
Beast: It’s better this way. Do you like Montreal-style hot dogs?
Foodie: What are those?
Beast: You steam them and add ketchup and mustard and finely chopped fresh onion.
Foodie: Sure.
Beast: Would you like three or four hot dogs?
Foodie: I’ll take two.
Beast: Oh, I almost forgot! I got us a special appetizer.
Foodie: So we’re having French fries AND potato chips tonight?
Beast: It’s more like, “potatoes two ways”. Oh hey, I was going to comment on your blog today.
Foodie: Oh yeah? What stopped you?
Beast: I don’t want to have anything to do with it. But I was going to say, “I THOUGHT THIS WAS A FOOD BLOG, NOT A CLEANING BLOG.” All you do is talk about cleaning.
Foodie: It’s a valid point and I’ll take it to heart.
Foodie: I wonder what Gordon Ramsay would have to say about you using his Royal Doulton cookware to steam hot dogs and buns.
Beast: They’re almost ready. Do you want to dress your own?
Foodie: Yes please.
I stood back as the Beast plated his four dogs. With our arms filled and glasses full, we made our way to the living room/dining room.
After dinner, on the couch.
Beast: Why is it that finely chopped cooking onions taste so good?
Foodie: I don’t know but those were really good hot dogs. The fries were terrible, don’t you think?
Beast: They don’t taste as good as I remember.
Foodie: I think it’s because they took out all the bad stuff, like the trans fats–all the good stuff that give frozen fries flavour. (Pause) Do you feel funny? I feel funny in the head and in my stomach.
Beast: Like you’re going to be sick?
Foodie: No, I just feel weird everywhere. Like there’s evil coursing threw my veins.
Beast: I feel fine, great actually.
I took a fat-fuck bullet for the team eating the Beast’s hot dog dinner. But it was worth it.
Foodie: *
Beast: **1/2
THANK YOU for posting 2 stories this week! What a tasty treat!
Beast, we are truly kindred spirits!
Golly those hot dogs look great. My favourite meal. And by the way, who gives a flying fuck what Gordon Ramsay would think.
I’m with uncle Ron!
An authentic “thank you” for 2 posts in one week – especially during the saddest, stupidest, coldest month of all time. And a sarcastic “thank you” for a post about hot dogs … because I’m ridiculously hungry right now, the salad I tried to trick my stomach into believing was a meal is doing nothing for me, and I know there’s a hot dog cart right outside the front door. If I eat carcinogens on a bun for lunch, imma blame you.
xo